lost thoughts full of thinking run into the starless skies. An ocean flows with in my soul, crashing me into life with violent force. I stand with eyes covered, shaking with fear as my life flashes by. If only it would have taken place somewhere else. Nothing can save me now that I am slipping, drowning under the pressure of my own waves. Is this how it must go? Is this my course? The bitter taste of unknown is fresh on my tongue. I never wanted to feel so left behind, nothing more to do then wait. My vision of home has never been clear, a mother, a father & siblings. Never had them all at once, there has only been one or the other. The force of love & passion sometimes starts to smother me, hoping one-day hate will take over. To see the emptiness in everyone’s’ lies, such hopes are wrong, given the time & place. The true colors of people come out.
There are ghosts in my past, yes, I have skeletons in my closet! Do they keep me up at night, no!! I embrace them, letting them lead me when I am lost. This is neither good nor bad, but wise. Letting them lead me through my future, shows me what I should not have been done. When I close my eyes at night. I dream, these ghosts came to life! I dream of what was, what is and what could be! It is not always good and in those nights, I forge through with tear filled eyes. The nights I dream of the days, where everything was good, I wake with a smile! Every day is a different day and with every day brings new obstacles. One thing stays the same, those ghosts and skeletons only keep me locked away and scare if I let them. From this day forth, I no longer live in the past or do I dear not try and see into my future. I must live in the moment and embrace the present, pushing the make my life the life I have always dreamed of.
We all have our secrets: some big, some small, and some could take down kingdoms! Mine could take lives, hopes, dreams and someday even me. The secrets we keep are not always our own, but all the same, we have sworn to keep them from the lips and minds of others. The years passed slowly while I was away; in my absence, much had changed around the castle. My father insisted in his letters over the years that he would never remarry, for it would take away my blood right to the crown of Barrington. I spent most of my young life nose-deep into my studies, keeping up with all my lessons, along with the many important things to come once I was to ascend the throne. The last letter I had received before my departure from afar was from my grandfather, the King of Sculthorpe. In his letter, he openly sent his love and well wishes, among other things, he ended his letter with a forewarning about my return to Barrington--informing me that I was to be welcomed by my father’s children, unroyal in blood, but all the same a potential threat to my reign. The tears filled my eyes as my heart sank. I quickly script my love for him and my grandma, demanding that he is to never again hold back information that he believes will derail my rise to the throne. Letters in hand, I run to the carriage, handing off the stack to the carrier. "Be quick to deliver these; I need them there in a few days’ time." I try not to shout as the carriage violently comes to life, steadily jarring everything within. The ride through the lavender fields of Barrington’s lowlands, reinstating the bad memories I willingly expelled from my mind so long ago. Traveling the lands, I will soon be ruling over, brings a deep angst. I will reign alone, sitting in a not so empty castle on the hill. My home used to look so welcoming; some have been known to say it looks to be from fairy tales, floating on the clouds over its kingdom is below. At this very moment, it brings fear, feeling the heavy evil and darkness, it holds within its walls, full of dread and secrets. Collecting my thoughts at once, I force my emotions to retract as we near the soaring castle in the sky. I was to sit in with my father the King while he tended to the needs of his people. I have no interest in becoming Queen, let alone to reign over the soul-sucking lords and women of my father’s court. My recent return, to help attend to my father’s duties as his health failed, had everyone from one side of the kingdom to the other, interested is seeing what I had become. The knowledge (that it was only a matter of time before he died, leaving the crown to his one and only heir, the Princess Georgina Grace of Barrington), was very well-known amongst the many kingdoms surrounding us. I had sat beside my father King George Augustus of Barrington, and my mother Queen Lavinia Grace of Sculthorpe for a few short years before I had begun to show signs of drastic physical change. I was later sent away once my mother the Queen fell ill, only to come back when it was time to lay her body to rest. The days since my arrival passed as if they were the longest of the winter months, leaving me to daydream about the times of past with my mother, the many new friendships I had made while away. Closing my eyes to focus on the images of my mother more closely, I can still hear her voice making up her nightly stories she told. There were so many to remember: the one that I loved the most was the story of the kingdom full of dragons, where the Queen ruled with strength and married for love. I could play that story over and over in my head just listening to my mother’s soft voice. I must have fallen asleep my father’s court hearings. I could ever so faintly hear the busy clatter of the maids all around. The morning of my coronation had arrived-the day of all days my nightmares warned me about. My crown was to have its own fitting session, as were the many lavish gowns I was to wear. The dressmaker had no idea how badly I wanted to just rip the gowns apart; I snarled at every pin she stabbed into my waist. Making comments about how I will need to have these taken out, once I was to finally marry and produce an heir, taking every inch of restraint, I slowly turn to face her. Trying to keep my cool, my jaw clenched, I bark back at her harshly “You either stop drawing royal blood with these pins, or I will have you beheaded.” The look of horror on her face made my day a little better. Sadly, I can feel myself becoming increasingly tense as the guests arrive, glancing out the stained-glass windows along the hallways of the castle. Finally, I spot a familiar carriage, the one known to be carrying my dear grandfather and grandmother. Without fail, I grab the hem of my skirt and take off in full haste to the open arms of my loving family. We exchange very few words, for the world is listening to every word shared between the three of us. With a quick kiss to my forehead, and the exchange of a forceful embrace, sending me back, I step into the dark-hooded figure behind me. “Take this to your room”. He says without another word. Our interaction leaves me in a daze, as I look down into my palm at the envelope addressed to the Reigning Queen of Barrington. Without a thought, I quickly move through the corridors of the castle, avoiding alarming the knights and guards of my distress. Coming to a sudden halt, I peer around the open door of my chambers, spotting the hooded man I backed into in the courtyard just moments ago, “What the hell do you think you are doing in here?” I yell out trying to keep my voice steady. Without a word, he walks past me and out the door, leaving with only a glance in my direction. Left in the middle of my chambers is an extremely large and lavish trunk, the gems and gold clasps lead me to believe this is a gift from an attendant and was to be given directly to me. Still clasping the letter addressed directly to the reigning Queen, I think this must be a mistake, this was a letter addressed to my late mother, and my grandfather gave it to me on accident, Nevertheless, I cannot keep my imagination from wondering what was said within the script of this letter; what secrets will it tell? The weight within my chest gives me the push I need to open the envelope. I need to know; I want to know the secrets my family kept from me. My stomach is sick, my body was completely shaking as I open the mysterious letter. The handwriting is familiar; it looks to be my father’s writing. It could not be, could it? It is dated back so many years; he could have just given this to me in person. The words of the past do not seem real, I cannot breathe as I read deeper into his letter. “My Dearest Daughter, there are things you will never truly understand about yourself. These are the same things we sadly sent you away for. Your mother, herself, fought with the same demons inside that you will, soon, someday must embrace or keep at bay. You are changing, not just into a woman but into a different creature altogether. My love, you of all people deserve the world, and luckily you will be able to take advantage of these changes if that is your heart’s desire. The mother you knew, was not the person she was when we first met. Before we were to be married, she became ill, at the very edge of death. Your grandparents knew what was at stake; they would lose their daughter, but also, their own claim to the throne with the marriage of your mother and myself. They searched high and low for help to save your dear mother, but there was very little the king's apothecary could do to keep the inevitable from happening. With little to no hope of her survival, your grandparents sent their best knights on a crusade into the outer realms to find a cure, any cure at that. Many moons passed by the time the knights returned, with them, they brought the most powerful fairy of his time. Crying out for help, the Queen Mother pleaded with the fairy to save her only daughter, the light of her life, the future Queen of Barrington. The fairy was full of reservations about helping the King and Queen, He had never openly shared his gifts with humans before; they were to be kept sacred, only to be used to help his people. The survival of the princess was vital to the kingdom, and he knew that. Hoping his magic would be stronger surrounded by his own people in the place of his birth, and putting his own life on the line, he took your mother’s body back with him. Sadly, it was too late for her; he was not powerful enough to stop her sickness, as she was too far gone by the time he arrived. Nonetheless, he could not leave your mother’s kingdom in despair, leaving the kingdom without a royal marriage would end with your grandparent’s kingdom falling into the wrong hands. Keeping this in mind-if he could pull it off-he would create a child to replace your mother: one of fairy blood, with the looks and characteristics of the young princess, but the magical powers of the fairy, from whom she was created. Months passed before he returned with, what looked to be, the always vivacious princess they had once known and loved so dearly.” Before I could read to the end of my father’s letter, he appeared in the doorway of my chambers. Gazing in as the last of my tears fell, I was quick to remove the confused look from my face. I was not to address my King as a bumbling fool crying over a past I had no control over. Turning my head away from his gaze, he slowly walked over to where I stood. Speaking to me in the kindest of voices, “I am so sorry my dear Princess; I never intended for you to receive the letter on this day of all days.” I just let him speak; I couldn’t muster up even the weakest of responses to what he was saying. “You have every right to be angry with me; please, scream or yell, kick something at that. Just do not stand there without saying anything,” he said reaching out to me. Lost in thoughts, full of anger, confusion, and distrust, I could not help but blurt out, “What the hell was my mother? What the hell am I?” Seeing the pain in my father’s eyes, the tears rose as he began to explain, “She was a changeling, a child surreptitiously, or unintentionally, substituted for another; nonetheless, one believed to have been exchanged by fairies for the parent’s true child.” He stood with arms crossed, examining my every movement as I begin to digest his words, one-by-one. I would leave my court waiting no longer; the coronation had to continue. I would speak to the people of my court, leading them with the strength of my words. With a heavy heart and a mind lost in thought, I sat in my throne, keeping my back straight, the weight of the world crown high upon my head. The mother of a new world, with my hands on my knees, I watch as the lords and women dance in my honor, the music rises to the heavens for there is a new Queen, one that will rule with the strength of her father and with the magic of the realms beyond us. From this moment on I am, and will always be addressed as, the Changeling Queen. My inspiration: Gala’s Castle at Pubol, 1973, by Salvador Dali I took bricks to my glass house, a beautiful mess built from lies and forced smiles. With every beat of my heart I forced myself to throw the bricks even harder. When my heart felt as heavy as the bricks in my hand I stopped. I stood back taking in such a damning sight with fists ready to finish the damage that remained. The pictures still stood of a time that had passed. As memories flooded my mind tears came streaming down as i watched it all come crashing down.
My mind is my worst enemy tonight and she is on a warpath. Keeping me up with thoughts of love that has been lost. Times, I can never change and an aging clock. Tossing and turning in my bed she keeps rehearsing words that will never be spoken. The mind you see can be silly thing at times. Making you think so realistically you are blind. Blind to love or to any hope that someone could warm your heart. The very moment the walls come down and the red in your cheeks starts to rise. She hits you with thoughts of how this cannot be real. Those feelings my dear is just your heart playing tricks. Sadly, for me this voice comes in fast and strong. The walls stack up again, higher than before. My heart slows to its breaking speed, so slow it is hard to breathe. I sit and wait for the day to come when my heart picks up again. Only to know I will overthink every feeling of love. The notion is so strange at times. Finally seeing the doubt, I am so lost in was my mind playing the tricks. One day the warpath between the two will end. Who is to know if my mind or my heart will win.
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